Revan Journals 1

Description: This is my first fanfiction series that takes place after the Knights of the Old Republic. It is assumed that you've played the game and know what took place during it. Consider yourself warned that to continue to read is to spoil the game!!!

Synopsis: After the Jedi Civil War Serea Apostolia, the Prodigal Jedi Knight, begins to write journals in order to jog her lost memories as well as come to terms with what she did as a former Dark Lord of the Sith. And yes, she is the person talking in two of my poems titled Countless Droplets of Power and Revan's Legacy.

Entry 1, 1 week After the Battle of the Starge Forge (ABSF)

These are the written journals of Serea Apostolia, Prodigal Jedi Guardian. The purpose of these written documents is personal and medical, as I do not know the extent to which my mind has been damaged. Yesterday and the day before, I have been seeing various doctors in order to further understand the damage I received when Malak fired on my ship on the day I was captured by Bastila and her Jedi companions. The doctors told me all my lost memories could come back or I could forget everything I have become since I was enlisted into the Republic fleet. Furthermore, I should expect visions, like the ones I've been having since Taris to continue to happen sporadically.

Taris. Before we crashed on that planet, I was just one more Republic soldier serving on the Endar Spire and fighting against the Sith. After Taris, the Jedi chose to train me because of my bond with Bastila and the visions we both had. Initially, I was shocked when I learned about my force bond with Bastila and the Jedi that followed it. Eventually I came to terms with the turn of events in my life and quickly accepted my new role in the galaxy, whose fate rested on my shoulders... Nothing like having such a burden placed on a lowly Republic grunt, eh? On the Leviathan, Darth Malak's flagship, I learned the truth. The bond was forged when Bastila saved my life on my ship after Malak fired on it, and Serea Apostoloia was no more than something the Jedi Council made up when re-built my mind and reprogrammed me with another identity that was loyal to the Republic.

That was 2 weeks ago...  Sigh, it is still difficult for me to believe that Serea Apostolia and everything she knew about herself prior to the Endar Spire was a lie.  In many ways, Serea Apostoloia doesn't exist, but is only an illusion. The truth is I am Revan, a Jedi Knight who fell to the dark side over the course of the Mandalorian Wars and became the Dark Lord of the Sith.

Yet, I am no longer Revan! I am Serea Apostolia of the Jedi Order, now. The identity that was forged from Malak's betrayal to now is who I am. I could have reclaimed my identity as the Dark Lord and accepted Bastila's offer on top of the Temple on the Unknown World, but I did not. I chose to reject Bastila's offer of reclaiming my identity as the Dark Lord, I embraced this new identity. So far, that choice was not a mistake: Bastila Shan was redeemed from darkness, Malak and the Star Forge were destroyed, and the Republic can start to rebuild.

Furthermore, Juhani and I talked aboard the Temple on the Unknown World and again on the Ebon Hawk after the victory celebration. The talks were long and short, painful and wonderful... What emerged from those talks was our realization that it would be a mistake to sweep our feelings under the rug for the sake of our commitment to the Jedi. 

I remember Juhani's words clearly, "The reason, love, that we survived the Krayt Dragon on Tatooine; the forests of Kashyyyk, the sharks and neutrality of Manaan; the tombs and powers of Korriban; the temptations of the Temple; and the depths of the Star Forge was because it was we who worked together and supported each other. It was we who went on this journey, and it was we who saved the Republic and the Jedi. Now it must continue to be we who shall join with our fellow Jedi to move the Republic and the Jedi forward. Serea, going from we to you and me would bring about our doom."

Sigh... Juhani, you keep gaining more and more confidence every day, don't you? My darling, I had no intention of dividing the "we" that was created over our quest. No, my love, you and I will always stand together.

You know, Malak said on the Star Forge, "Saviour, conqueror, hero villain: you are all things Revan, and yet you are nothing. In the end you belong neither to the light or the darkness. You will forever stand alone. "As I reflect on what has happened since Malak said that, I realize that he was only blowing hot air in order for me to lose my resolve and strength. After all, how can I forever stand alone when I have my Juhani, who is my friend, lover, and ally? How can I stand alone when I have so many allies from the Ebon Hawk's old crew - Carth, Bastila, Mission, Zaalbar, Jolee, Canderous, T3, HK-47; who, again, will always answer when I cry for help? As Darth Revan, I did stand alone because eventually you have to destroy everything you love in order to fully embrace the dark side. The life of a Sith Lord is a life that slowly but surely renders someone truly alone. Yes, if I chose Darth Revan, I would have stood alone. However, I rejected Revan, and chose Serea Apostolia, and I shall never stand alone.

At least, I hope I never stand alone...


Entry 2, 2 weeks ABSF
It has been a week since I last wrote in this journal. I cannot say much has happened, except for the truth. Although, I am no longer Revan, I find myself confronted with so much that I did. People who recognize me have mixed responses- some respond with respect, admiration, and adoration for the hero who saved the Republic while others look at me with so much hate and anger that I feared they would discover their force sensitivity by force crushing me on the spot.

I met Carth at Telos' Citadel Station today. As I descended to the restoration zones, I was shocked at how much the planet was reduced to a waste land. I was angry at the Sith and at myself for this deed. I researched Sith records recovered from the Republic over the past 2 weeks- I gave the order to merely attack Telos, not utterly and completely destroy it... A part of me wants to blame Malak for Telos' destruction while on the surface. I did not want this when I was the Dark Lord and I certainly don't want it now. I am no longer Revan; I am Serea Apostolia... or am I?

When I returned to the station, I was immediately approached by someone "I know you- Revan, right?"

I replied, "I was Revan, but I go by Serea now."

The person replied, "Can I ask you a question?"

I smiled and answered, "Of course."

The person replied, "Does the name Serea allow you to sleep at night or was the name Revan becoming an inconvenience?"

I replied, "Oh, I..."

"Does it help you forget what you did? Does it help you forget all the lives you destroyed, and all the blood of innocent people on your hands?"

I responded, "No, but..."

"Shut up, just shut up!!! You don't have the right to speak and you shouldn't have the right to roam freely. I am disgusted to call myself a member of the Republic, a Republic who just let you go because you happened to defeat Darth Malak and destroyed the Star Forge. I am appalled that the Jedi Order could simply look at you and simply dismiss your actions as the redemption of Revan, the prodigal knight. Can that bring back my daughter, who was all I had, when Telos was bombed and attacked? Well, can it bring her back? Can you bring her back?!!"

I said nothing, nothing. All I did was look down.

The person shook their head and said, "Exactly, you can't.  So call yourself whatever you want, because you'll still be Darth fucking Revan to me."

What if this person is right? What if Serea Apostolia is just a facade...

What if I cannot deny who I once was?
What If I can't atone for the deaths I've caused
What if they accept nothing less,
Than the satisfaction of their cries of vengeance?

Entry 2, 3 weeks ABSF

Just got back from a mission to take down an apparently last minute attempt by the remnants of the Sith to regain what they lost after the Star Forge was destroyed.

Thankfully, they were stopped. Bastila, Juhani, and I boarded the ship in order to capture the ship's commander. Naturally, most of the personnel were shocked to find out that Revan is alive. Can't say I blame them, as I was shocked when I found out she was alive! Thankfully, this realization caused many of them to step aside and allow the three of us to pass without much of a fuss.

On the upper decks we met quite a bit of opposition until we got to the bridge. On the bridge was an old woman surrounded by personnel. When she saw me she shouted, "Don't harm her! Don't harm her!"

I turned to look at her and she said, "You are Darth Revan, are you not?"

As soon as she asked that, I received a vision. This forgotten memory was of a woman who was in the library of the old Dantooine enclave and it looked like she was about to teach me about the force. I think I was a young girl at the time for I was standing and looking up at her.

When I came back I hesitantly replied, "I no longer go by that name. I am the Jedi Knight Serea Starz."

The old woman replied, "I am Traya. Why do you no longer go by your true name or your true identity?"

I answered her, "Revan was a monster forged during the Mandalorian Wars who died after Malak betrayed her. Serea Starz is my true identity now."

The woman replied, "Are you trying to tell me that after everything you have learned nothing?! You were made stronger..."

I replied, "Enough! I place you and your the crew of your ship under arrest by the Jedi Order. You will all be escorted to the Harbinger and taken to Coruscant."

I'd like to think seeing her in and having a vision immediately after was just a coincidence but it wouldn't surprise me if the two are linked. After all, I received a similar vision almost immediately after I rescued Bastila on Taris. Oh well, I don't have time to dig up old ghosts now. I have to move forward.

Entry 4, 4 Weeks ABSF
I got a message from Sera Degana today. It appears that she is doing well on the Orion with Mec Han'ic and Kobayashi. It is amazing to see how much she has changed since our encounter with her former Jedi Master, Solomon, in the Temple of Shadow on Korriban. It makes me happy to know that not all the Jedi who followed me to war became servants of the dark side forever. I only wish more could've been redeemed… I know that I'm the one who led them to darkness, but they had a part to play in their fall. After all, I never forced them to keep following me!

Sigh… That still doesn't change the fact that I was the one who started them on the path to darkness. From what I've read, my fall to the dark side started long before my first quest to find the Star Forge. I changed a lot during the Mandalorian Wars, and was no longer the Jedi Knight on a noble crusade.

I formed the Revanchist as a faction within the Jedi Order who chose to disobey the council because we all felt that going to war and aiding the Republic was the right thing to do. Recently, I've had dreams of travelling to the places ravaged by the Mandalorians. I discussed the dream of my visit to Cathar with Juhani. During the discussion she seemed proud that I chose to go to war in order to avenge her people and protect the innocents. I did rescue her from slavery on Taris and encouraged her to join the Jedi, after all. Then she shook her head and expressed her disbelief at the fact that while I rescued her, I was also beginning my fall.

I have to admit that I can't believe it anymore than she can. When she asked what I thought about the Mandalorian Wars, I told her that I didn't know. Before encountering Malak on the Leviathan, I thought Revan's decision to go to war was the biggest mistake she ever made. However, there I can't point the finger at her anymore. Not after all the encounters from people whose lives I've destroyed, not after visiting Telos, and certainly not after some of the dreams and visions I've had. Revan's past is my past and her bad choices were my bad choices. I cannot run or hide from, or explain away the truth any longer. 

I have to face it, Serea Apostolia does not exist. At the end of the day, I am Revan. I think I need to reconcile who I was with who I am now, if I am going to move on.

Revan, you and I are one
I cannot hide nor run
These words being written at this time
Are yours, they are mine
Revan is the prodigal knight
Revan has returned to the light
She will correct the horrors of war
Because she is no longer the Dark Lord

Huh, Sera just messaged me. She wants to meet up with me in some time and catch up. Perhaps I should make up with her Perhaps she can help me through this reconciliation process by telling me about the Mandalorian Wars and helping me through my memories. If I could only ask her one thing, it would be What happened at the Battle of Malachor V that rendered you unable to speak on the Ebon Hawk? This meeting will be interesting, indeed.

Entry 5, 5 Weeks ABSF
Dantooine... A planet that was once my home now lies in ruin. I went to see what Malak and the Sith did to her today, and I barely had the strength to completely tour the planet. As much as I would like to believe that Malak and the Sith are the only reason why Dantooine is a place of desolation, I cannot deny my hand in this. I was the one who declared myself Dark Lord of the Sith and lead my old friend down the path of the dark side. These acts ultimately lead to the destruction of Telos, Taris, and Dantooine...

A place of peace and healing
Is now a place of destruction and death
My once place of refuge is now the place of despair
How could such a terrible thing happen here?

It is because I fell to the darkness
I embraced the countless droplets of power
I lead my friends and comrades into war after war
All because my poisoned soul craved for more

History will tell of Malak's attack
They'll blame him and the Sith for the Jedi Temple's fall
But soon the veil over their eyes will be gone
Everyone will that it was Revan, it was me

Revan's fall marked Carth to lose his family and everything he knew
Revan's fall lead to Bastila Shan's descent into darkness
Revan's betrayal completed Malak's fall
And now Revan's fall has resulted in the end of Taris and Dantooine

Sigh, clearly I am still blind
This was not Revan's fall but mine
The Jediwouldn't have created Serea Starz
If I had of resisted darkness' call

No, I cannot blame the Jedi
They were not the ones who caused the light in me to die
No, it is only I who has caused this destruction and pain
No words can justify my once mad quest for gain

I cannot deny who I was
I cannot deny the destruction I've caused
This burden of loss and sorrow
Is a result of my descent into war and horror

This is the third entry where I have used poetry. Prose simply cannot communicate the sorrow within any more than it can communicate the burden I have to bear. I was a fool to think that this facade, dubbed Serea Starz, was going to last forever. That's it; I'm done writing in this for tonight. It's time for me to turn in and be with Juhani. She might not understand everything, but she knows what it means to fall to the darkness and somehow return to the light.

Entry 6, same night as entry 5
Never have I had such a vision haunt my dreams before. I hope I didn't wake Juhani in the midst of coming down here to write this entry and compose my thoughts. I believe that this was a vision from my past as Darth Malak was with me as we looked up towards a being that made my former apprentice look like he had achieved mastery of the light side during his reign as the Dark Lord.

The vision... I was in a very dark room with a dark figure before me. I was wearing my traditional body armour and mask. Malak and I bowed down before a figure who was sitting on what appeared to be a throne. Finally this being spoke, "I can sense that my favourite Republicans have arrived."

I turned to my right to see Malak... Huh, no jaw piece? I guess this was before he received the injury that sliced his lower jaw off. Anyway, Malak nodded at me as a way of signalling me to address the figure. I turned to this being and said, "You summoned us, your highness?"

The ruler replied, "Revan and Malak, you have been with us for almost a year and have been reasonably assimilated into our society. Now, who is your master?"

Malak and I replied, "The Emperor."

"How are you and the force?"

"The force has served us well."

"What code do you follow?"

"Peace is a lie, there is only passion
Through passion I gain strength
Through strength I gain power
Through power I gain victory
Through victory my chains are broken
And the force shall free me."

"What do you think of the Jedi and the Republic?"

"They either bow down to the Sith, the true rulers of the galaxy, or face their own destruction."

The being smiled, "At last, you see. Revan and Malak are finally worthy to become members of the Dark Council as Dark Lords of the Sith. Do you dare try to prove yourselves worthy?"

After the Emperor said this, I wanted to say "no," and run from the room as quickly as possible. However, something almost seemed to push my conscience aside so that I was no longer a participant in the conversation, but an observer. My old self replied to this Emperor sitting on the throne, "We dare, master. What must we do to prove ourselves worthy of the title Dark Lord?"

At that moment I awoke. Who is or was that person I bowed down to and called master? Perhaps this dream was nothing but a combination of my thoughts from Dantooine? Perhaps this is just the darkness calling me back? No, wait, if that were the case then I wouldn't have been pushed aside near the end of the dream... No, this Emperor was going to make me a Dark Lord of the Sith on the Dark Council. This Emperor is out there, perhaps with an entire army, waiting for Malak and I to return from whatever we had to do to prove ourselves worthy...  What if the Emperor does not wait any longer for Malak and me to come back?

This Emperor probably knows that Malak and I aren't coming back... and I've returned to the Jedi! This twofold betrayal could be a convenient excuse to invade the Republic, a Republic that would be doomed without the Emperor's armies firing a single laser. However, these are only mere speculations. I need more before I can act on what I have learned. The only person who can help me is Sera Degana, because she remembers what happened to the Revanchist and she's the only one that I can trust with in revealing the contents of my dream. As I recall, she told me that all of the Revanchist and Republic personnel under my command followed us into deep space where we completed our fall to the dark side.

Forgive me, Sera, for I have to bring up painful memories. I doubt that what we found in deep space was pleasant. Unfortunately, you are the only one that I can trust and only you have the answers to what I seek.

Revan Journals, and Serea Apostolia [c] vadess40
Serea Degana, Kobayashi, and Brotherhood of Shadow [c] silveredge9
Characters: Female Darth Revan
Female Darth Revan and KOTOR [c] Bioware and LucasArts