Entry 5- Meeting with Sera Degana
Sera Degana used to be my handpicked, highly trained, personal assassin. When she was travelling with us on the Ebon Hawk she told me about how she became a part of the Revanchist after a rally Malak and I did to recruit Jedi on Dantooine. Now, she is a member of the Orion crew and travelling with her soon-to-be husband Kobayashi and Mec Han'ic. When I met her for lunch on Coruscant, I could not help but admire her and how much she had changed in the past months since her Jedi master's death.
Sera's Jedi Master, Solomon, blamed me for his pupil's fall to the dark side and loss of the identity she had while under his tutelage. He accused me of turning her into a shell and wanted to avenge the person she once was by killing me. What he failed to understand was that Sera, and so many of the other Jedi who followed me, had a choice to make and that they were just as equally to blame for their fall as I was. His reasoning saw himself change from a Jedi Master to a shell whose sole purpose was seeking revenge. It is ironic how fear, misdirected anger, and self righteousness can shape us into what we fear or hate the most without us even realizing what we have become.
When I met with Shadow, she gave me a booklet of some of the things I wrote down during the Mandalorian Wars. One of them was a poem I wrote after the first battle I fought in. When I got home I read it and I was shocked about how quickly I cast aside the Jedi code like that. This proves how inexperienced I was at warfare and guarding myself against the lure of the dark side. The further I dived into those documents, the more I realized what a monster I had become. No wonder I so willingly knelt at the figure in my dream, as in many ways I was already one of them.
Anyway, at the luncheon I was amazed at how much she had changed. "When did you learn how to speak basic, Sera?"
Sera replied, "Oh, I've always known how to speak it, but I just chose not to. Unfortunately so many people I've met while travelling on the Orion doesn't know Ryl, so I just started to speak basic. By the way, here is your invitation to my wedding."
I answered her, "Thank you. I will do my best to be there."
Sera asked, "Revan, you seem a bit preoccupied. Is something wrong?"
I replied, "I won't lie to you, something is wrong and only you hold the answers and the possible solution."
Sera looked confused, "What do you mean?"
I cautiously asked, "Sera, what happened at the end of the Mandalorian Wars? Where did I lead us to that completed our fall to the dark side?"
Sera replied, "We went to a place of terrible darkness that the Republic and Jedi had thought long dead."
I replied, "Sera, I need more information than that. You see, I received a vision last night that I think was both an event from my past and a prophecy of what is to come."
Sera shook her head, "Revan, I cannot be specific about what we found in deep space here, as it is too dangerous. What I can say is that you discovered a star map on Kashyyyk that talked about the Star Forge. For the most part, you ignored it until the war was over. When we left deep space you explained that in order to be fully indoctrinated into that society, we had to go to Korriban, Dantooine, and Manaan in order to discover what the Star Map on Kashyyyk tried to point us to."
I replied, "This society I wanted to be assimilated to- What was it like?"
Sera replied, "In many ways, it was like the Sith Empire you wanted to build. It was a society of darkness that believed in the survival of the fittest. However, it had a focus as the people there worked together in building and working in order to achieve a certain goal in the distant future. I'm not sure what the goal was and I don't know their leader."
I continued with my questions, "How long were we there?"
"6 months," she answered, "Your original intentions were to destroy whatever we found but when we got to that location in deep space and landed on the planet, you changed your mind."
I looked up from my lunch and asked, "I did? Why?"
Sera looked down and then replied in a whispered voice, "You embraced their teachings long before we got there. Your fall started at the end of our first battle but you introduced us to their teachings at the Trayus Academy on Malachor V."
I thought to myself and asked, "Could the academy still be there? I know we destroyed that planet with the Mass Shadow Generator..."
Sera continued, "I believe that academy is still there as when you were the Dark Lord you took it over with the help of your old Jedi Master and her two apprentices. If Jedi were not sent to the Korriban Academy or the Star Forge's world to be turned, they were sent there. Once they fell to the dark side, they were trained. "
I sighed and spoke quietly, "Don't tell me I caused my Jedi Master to fall to the dark side along with the other members of the Revanchist..."
Sera shook her head, "I don't believe you did. In fact, I'd say she fell long before you did."
I asked, "Sera, do you have an image of my old Jedi Master."
She nodded and flipped the documents she gave me to security footage of the Trayus Academy. What I saw almost caused my jaw to hit the floor... That was the same old woman we found on the Sith ship 1.5 weeks ago! No wonder I received a vision as soon as she finished speaking to me. I have to find out where they are keeping her and meet with her immediately!
I looked up and said, "Sera thank you for meeting with me, I appreciate it. Would it be possible for us to meet again on the Orion sometime? Please? I need more answers. Whatever I dreamed about last night could make everything we have fought for over the past 5 to 6 years be in vain. "
Sera agreed to meet with me and we finished our lunch discussing other subjects. Oh, and guess what? Bastila and her mother were there too! Her mom looks a lot better than when we saw her on Tatooine. When I asked Bastila about it over the comlink she explained that her mother found an excellent doctor and she would fully recover from her illness! I'm so glad that things are turning out well for some of my friends, and that I get to share in some of their happiness.
Hopefully this happiness will last. I must begin the search for my fallen Jedi Master tomorrow. According to the research I did when I went to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant later that day was that my first Master was Kreia, one of the many historians and chroniclers of the Jedi. It seems that the council exiled her after the Revanchist and I left to fight the Mandalorians because her teachings are what ultimately caused us to fall. Hmmm... I wonder if she was no more than a convenient scapegoat that the Jedi used, so that they would not have to examine why the Revanchist left and whether their decision to stay out of the Mandalorian Wars was a mistake...
Coruscant News at 6
The News Announcer begins to report, "Good evening and welcome to Coruscant News at 6! Today's biggest story is a prison break from the Spice Mines of Kessel that happened earlier today. Crew members from a Sith ship that were captured by the Jedi Knights Serea Apostolia, Bastila Shan, and Juhani were being held there for crimes against the Republic during the Jedi Civil War. We can only assume that these crew members were responsible because everyone else on the prison colony is dead. We now turn to one of our reporters on the street, Nova Ecosse."
The news shifts to the spice mines of Kessel where a news reporter, Nova Ecosse, begins to speak, "Hello everyone. On this tragic day at the prison colony on Kessel, hundreds of fine Republic officers and correctional officers were killed today by an unknown source. According to the Jedi sent to investigate, which included the Jedi formally known as Revan, found that there were no blaster fire or lightsaber injuries. Instead the personnel simply had their life force removed from them. Ah, there is Serea Apostolia... Serea, a word please?!"
Serea runs up to the reporter, who questions her, "So, Serea what can you tell me about this unfortunate incident? Have you been able to determine the motive behind these attacks?
Serea replied, "Simple, the culprit behind this only wanted the old woman who was taken away a long with her crew, as the entire crew is here, dead, except her..."
Nova Ecosse interrupts, "How could someone do something to this scale?"
Serea shakes her head and replies, "I honestly do not know... No one with the Sith who were under my command, including Malak, would be able to do something like this..."
Nova Ecosse interrupted again, "What's your plan of action?"
Serea replied, "I'm sorry but we cannot elaborate on this right now."
Nova Ecosse turned to the camera and continued, "Well, that's all we can learn about this incident at this point. This is Coruscant News, Kessel."
Jedi Temple Camera Recording
Revan was pacing in one of the rooms of the Jedi Temple. Juhani asked, "Revan, love, what is wrong?"
Revan replied, "That old woman was my old Jedi Master, and she controlling whoever or whatever destroyed the prisons at Kessel."
Juhani was surprised. Revan had not given any indication that any more of her memories were coming back. Juhani inquired, "Love, how do you know this?"
Revan continued, "Sera Degana, the woman who was once my assassin, told me. She could have been part of the reason why I fell to the dark side!"
Juhani sighed, "Can we not put your fall behind us, love? You are redeemed and you are no longer Darth Revan..."
Revan noticed the camera and leaned over and whispered, "Don't you remember the vision I told you about? What if my old master works for this Emperor? What if Kessel was just a warning about what is to come?"
Juhani whispered in reply, "Then we must investigate what Sera told you and find your old master."
Revan shook her head, "Juhani, I would love to take you along, but I can't..."
Jedi Council Chambers, Session in Recording:
Bastila turned off the video recording and turned to the Jedi Masters standing before her, "That's when the camera gets cut off."
Master Vrook Lamar asks, "Who were their attackers?"
Bastila Shan continued, "I don't know, Master Vrook. However, other cameras show an old woman leading a bunch of men with cloaking devices into the Jedi Temple prior to this conversation... How is Juhani?"
Vandar replied, "She is in critical condition, but we believe she will recover. In the meantime, we must begin our search in order to find Revan at once."
Suddenly everyone seems to faint or fall over after feeling a terrible disturbance in the force.
Bastila tries to balance herself as she thinks, What... What was that?
The answer comes when a Republic Soldier via a comlink communicates to Master Vrook, "Jedi Masters, something has happened on the planet Kataar, the place where a secret Jedi Conclave was happening. There is no transmissions, no nothing... Everyone just died. Initial scans from droid intelligence shows that the planet is just dead..."
Master Vandar replied, "How did you know about our secret meeting on that planet? That was not supposed to be discovered."
Vrook replied, "There is a traitor in our midst! Bastila, this is something that the Jedi Council must deal with alone."
Bastila nodded, "As you wish, masters." Then leaves the temple.
Interrogation Chamber, Trayus Academy, Malachor V
Revan's consciousness was finally regained. As she became aware of her surroundings, she realized she was tied to a gunnery, "What- Where am I?"
An old woman spoke up from behind her, "Well, I see we meet again."
Revan replied, "Are you my old master? Why am I here? Where am I?"
The old woman continued, "I am your first master. You may call me Traya. You are on Malachor V at the Trayus Academy. Tell me, what do you remember about me?"
Revan replied, "Only a small vision."
Traya smiled, "Good, good; the Jedi haven't completely corrupted you."
Revan tried to look at her old master, "No, they redeemed me and rebuilt me. For that I am grateful. It was you corrupted me, Malak, and the Revanchist by introducing us to Sith teachings..."
Traya interrupted her, "From a certain point of view, perhaps. The truth is that the Jedi are the ones to blame for your fall, not me. After all, you would not have gone to fight the Mandalore if they had listened to the Republic's call."
Revan replied, "I suppose that's true. Still if it wasn't for them, I'd still be Darth Revan and terrorizing everyone."
Traya inquired, "Are you so sure that your goal was to terrorize everyone?"
Revan replied, "I'm not sure."
Traya replied, "You will in time. Guards take her to her chamber!"
Entry 6, 1 week After Being on Malachor V (ABMV)
It's been a week since I've been here. I have been treated well by the guards, fed excellent meals, and so far I have not been harmed. I'd like to believe that this is because my former master wants to give me the highest of comforts, but I know that this cannot be true. Traya has been corrupted by the dark side. I could feel it in that torture chamber and I can feel it every time she comes to talk to me. None of those talks have been interrogations but simple questions about what I remembered about the Mandalorian Wars and prior to Malak's betrayal during the Jedi Civil War. Unfortunately I cannot give her much as only a few of my memories had returned up to this point. A part of me wants to trust her as she has clearly tried to make my stay as comfortable as possible but I know her "good deeds" just cover an ulterior agenda.
Perhaps she is not harming me because she knows that simply being on Malachor is enough to break me. Recently I've been receiving several more visions of the Mandalorian Wars. I'm so overwhelmed by them... I can see myself slowly but surely falling to the dark side one battle at a time. I'm not sleeping as well as I should and I barely eat what's placed in front of me. What did I do to this planet? Why can I not be free from these dreams?
Revan Journals, and Serea Apostolia [c] vadess40
Serea Degana, Kobayashi, and Brotherhood of Shadow [c] silveredge9
Female Darth Revan and KOTOR [c] Bioware and LucasArts
Darth Traya [c] Obsidian and LucasArts
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Revan Journals 1
Description: This is my first fanfiction series that takes place after the Knights of the Old Republic. It is assumed that you've played the game and know what took place during it. Consider yourself warned that to continue to read is to spoil the game!!!
Synopsis: After the Jedi Civil War Serea Apostolia, the Prodigal Jedi Knight, begins to write journals in order to jog her lost memories as well as come to terms with what she did as a former Dark Lord of the Sith. And yes, she is the person talking in two of my poems titled Countless Droplets of Power and Revan's Legacy.
Entry 1, 1 week After the Battle of the Starge Forge (ABSF)
These are the written journals of Serea Apostolia, Prodigal Jedi Guardian. The purpose of these written documents is personal and medical, as I do not know the extent to which my mind has been damaged. Yesterday and the day before, I have been seeing various doctors in order to further understand the damage I received when Malak fired on my ship on the day I was captured by Bastila and her Jedi companions. The doctors told me all my lost memories could come back or I could forget everything I have become since I was enlisted into the Republic fleet. Furthermore, I should expect visions, like the ones I've been having since Taris to continue to happen sporadically.
Taris. Before we crashed on that planet, I was just one more Republic soldier serving on the Endar Spire and fighting against the Sith. After Taris, the Jedi chose to train me because of my bond with Bastila and the visions we both had. Initially, I was shocked when I learned about my force bond with Bastila and the Jedi that followed it. Eventually I came to terms with the turn of events in my life and quickly accepted my new role in the galaxy, whose fate rested on my shoulders... Nothing like having such a burden placed on a lowly Republic grunt, eh? On the Leviathan, Darth Malak's flagship, I learned the truth. The bond was forged when Bastila saved my life on my ship after Malak fired on it, and Serea Apostoloia was no more than something the Jedi Council made up when re-built my mind and reprogrammed me with another identity that was loyal to the Republic.
That was 2 weeks ago... Sigh, it is still difficult for me to believe that Serea Apostolia and everything she knew about herself prior to the Endar Spire was a lie. In many ways, Serea Apostoloia doesn't exist, but is only an illusion. The truth is I am Revan, a Jedi Knight who fell to the dark side over the course of the Mandalorian Wars and became the Dark Lord of the Sith.
Yet, I am no longer Revan! I am Serea Apostolia of the Jedi Order, now. The identity that was forged from Malak's betrayal to now is who I am. I could have reclaimed my identity as the Dark Lord and accepted Bastila's offer on top of the Temple on the Unknown World, but I did not. I chose to reject Bastila's offer of reclaiming my identity as the Dark Lord, I embraced this new identity. So far, that choice was not a mistake: Bastila Shan was redeemed from darkness, Malak and the Star Forge were destroyed, and the Republic can start to rebuild.
Furthermore, Juhani and I talked aboard the Temple on the Unknown World and again on the Ebon Hawk after the victory celebration. The talks were long and short, painful and wonderful... What emerged from those talks was our realization that it would be a mistake to sweep our feelings under the rug for the sake of our commitment to the Jedi.
I remember Juhani's words clearly, "The reason, love, that we survived the Krayt Dragon on Tatooine; the forests of Kashyyyk, the sharks and neutrality of Manaan; the tombs and powers of Korriban; the temptations of the Temple; and the depths of the Star Forge was because it was we who worked together and supported each other. It was we who went on this journey, and it was we who saved the Republic and the Jedi. Now it must continue to be we who shall join with our fellow Jedi to move the Republic and the Jedi forward. Serea, going from we to you and me would bring about our doom."
Sigh... Juhani, you keep gaining more and more confidence every day, don't you? My darling, I had no intention of dividing the "we" that was created over our quest. No, my love, you and I will always stand together.
You know, Malak said on the Star Forge, "Saviour, conqueror, hero villain: you are all things Revan, and yet you are nothing. In the end you belong neither to the light or the darkness. You will forever stand alone. "As I reflect on what has happened since Malak said that, I realize that he was only blowing hot air in order for me to lose my resolve and strength. After all, how can I forever stand alone when I have my Juhani, who is my friend, lover, and ally? How can I stand alone when I have so many allies from the Ebon Hawk's old crew - Carth, Bastila, Mission, Zaalbar, Jolee, Canderous, T3, HK-47; who, again, will always answer when I cry for help? As Darth Revan, I did stand alone because eventually you have to destroy everything you love in order to fully embrace the dark side. The life of a Sith Lord is a life that slowly but surely renders someone truly alone. Yes, if I chose Darth Revan, I would have stood alone. However, I rejected Revan, and chose Serea Apostolia, and I shall never stand alone.
At least, I hope I never stand alone...
Entry 2, 2 weeks ABSF
It has been a week since I last wrote in this journal. I cannot say much has happened, except for the truth. Although, I am no longer Revan, I find myself confronted with so much that I did. People who recognize me have mixed responses- some respond with respect, admiration, and adoration for the hero who saved the Republic while others look at me with so much hate and anger that I feared they would discover their force sensitivity by force crushing me on the spot.
I met Carth at Telos' Citadel Station today. As I descended to the restoration zones, I was shocked at how much the planet was reduced to a waste land. I was angry at the Sith and at myself for this deed. I researched Sith records recovered from the Republic over the past 2 weeks- I gave the order to merely attack Telos, not utterly and completely destroy it... A part of me wants to blame Malak for Telos' destruction while on the surface. I did not want this when I was the Dark Lord and I certainly don't want it now. I am no longer Revan; I am Serea Apostolia... or am I?
When I returned to the station, I was immediately approached by someone "I know you- Revan, right?"
I replied, "I was Revan, but I go by Serea now."
The person replied, "Can I ask you a question?"
I smiled and answered, "Of course."
The person replied, "Does the name Serea allow you to sleep at night or was the name Revan becoming an inconvenience?"
I replied, "Oh, I..."
"Does it help you forget what you did? Does it help you forget all the lives you destroyed, and all the blood of innocent people on your hands?"
I responded, "No, but..."
"Shut up, just shut up!!! You don't have the right to speak and you shouldn't have the right to roam freely. I am disgusted to call myself a member of the Republic, a Republic who just let you go because you happened to defeat Darth Malak and destroyed the Star Forge. I am appalled that the Jedi Order could simply look at you and simply dismiss your actions as the redemption of Revan, the prodigal knight. Can that bring back my daughter, who was all I had, when Telos was bombed and attacked? Well, can it bring her back? Can you bring her back?!!"
I said nothing, nothing. All I did was look down.
The person shook their head and said, "Exactly, you can't. So call yourself whatever you want, because you'll still be Darth fucking Revan to me."
What if this person is right? What if Serea Apostolia is just a facade...
What if I cannot deny who I once was?
What If I can't atone for the deaths I've caused
What if they accept nothing less,
Than the satisfaction of their cries of vengeance?
Entry 2, 3 weeks ABSF
Just got back from a mission to take down an apparently last minute attempt by the remnants of the Sith to regain what they lost after the Star Forge was destroyed.
Thankfully, they were stopped. Bastila, Juhani, and I boarded the ship in order to capture the ship's commander. Naturally, most of the personnel were shocked to find out that Revan is alive. Can't say I blame them, as I was shocked when I found out she was alive! Thankfully, this realization caused many of them to step aside and allow the three of us to pass without much of a fuss.
On the upper decks we met quite a bit of opposition until we got to the bridge. On the bridge was an old woman surrounded by personnel. When she saw me she shouted, "Don't harm her! Don't harm her!"
I turned to look at her and she said, "You are Darth Revan, are you not?"
As soon as she asked that, I received a vision. This forgotten memory was of a woman who was in the library of the old Dantooine enclave and it looked like she was about to teach me about the force. I think I was a young girl at the time for I was standing and looking up at her.
When I came back I hesitantly replied, "I no longer go by that name. I am the Jedi Knight Serea Starz."
The old woman replied, "I am Traya. Why do you no longer go by your true name or your true identity?"
I answered her, "Revan was a monster forged during the Mandalorian Wars who died after Malak betrayed her. Serea Starz is my true identity now."
The woman replied, "Are you trying to tell me that after everything you have learned nothing?! You were made stronger..."
I replied, "Enough! I place you and your the crew of your ship under arrest by the Jedi Order. You will all be escorted to the Harbinger and taken to Coruscant."
I'd like to think seeing her in and having a vision immediately after was just a coincidence but it wouldn't surprise me if the two are linked. After all, I received a similar vision almost immediately after I rescued Bastila on Taris. Oh well, I don't have time to dig up old ghosts now. I have to move forward.
Entry 4, 4 Weeks ABSF
I got a message from Sera Degana today. It appears that she is doing well on the Orion with Mec Han'ic and Kobayashi. It is amazing to see how much she has changed since our encounter with her former Jedi Master, Solomon, in the Temple of Shadow on Korriban. It makes me happy to know that not all the Jedi who followed me to war became servants of the dark side forever. I only wish more could've been redeemed… I know that I'm the one who led them to darkness, but they had a part to play in their fall. After all, I never forced them to keep following me!
Sigh… That still doesn't change the fact that I was the one who started them on the path to darkness. From what I've read, my fall to the dark side started long before my first quest to find the Star Forge. I changed a lot during the Mandalorian Wars, and was no longer the Jedi Knight on a noble crusade.
I formed the Revanchist as a faction within the Jedi Order who chose to disobey the council because we all felt that going to war and aiding the Republic was the right thing to do. Recently, I've had dreams of travelling to the places ravaged by the Mandalorians. I discussed the dream of my visit to Cathar with Juhani. During the discussion she seemed proud that I chose to go to war in order to avenge her people and protect the innocents. I did rescue her from slavery on Taris and encouraged her to join the Jedi, after all. Then she shook her head and expressed her disbelief at the fact that while I rescued her, I was also beginning my fall.
I have to admit that I can't believe it anymore than she can. When she asked what I thought about the Mandalorian Wars, I told her that I didn't know. Before encountering Malak on the Leviathan, I thought Revan's decision to go to war was the biggest mistake she ever made. However, there I can't point the finger at her anymore. Not after all the encounters from people whose lives I've destroyed, not after visiting Telos, and certainly not after some of the dreams and visions I've had. Revan's past is my past and her bad choices were my bad choices. I cannot run or hide from, or explain away the truth any longer.
I have to face it, Serea Apostolia does not exist. At the end of the day, I am Revan. I think I need to reconcile who I was with who I am now, if I am going to move on.
Revan, you and I are one
I cannot hide nor run
These words being written at this time
Are yours, they are mine
Revan is the prodigal knight
Revan has returned to the light
She will correct the horrors of war
Because she is no longer the Dark Lord
Huh, Sera just messaged me. She wants to meet up with me in some time and catch up. Perhaps I should make up with her Perhaps she can help me through this reconciliation process by telling me about the Mandalorian Wars and helping me through my memories. If I could only ask her one thing, it would be What happened at the Battle of Malachor V that rendered you unable to speak on the Ebon Hawk? This meeting will be interesting, indeed.
Entry 5, 5 Weeks ABSF
Dantooine... A planet that was once my home now lies in ruin. I went to see what Malak and the Sith did to her today, and I barely had the strength to completely tour the planet. As much as I would like to believe that Malak and the Sith are the only reason why Dantooine is a place of desolation, I cannot deny my hand in this. I was the one who declared myself Dark Lord of the Sith and lead my old friend down the path of the dark side. These acts ultimately lead to the destruction of Telos, Taris, and Dantooine...
A place of peace and healing
Is now a place of destruction and death
My once place of refuge is now the place of despair
How could such a terrible thing happen here?
It is because I fell to the darkness
I embraced the countless droplets of power
I lead my friends and comrades into war after war
All because my poisoned soul craved for more
History will tell of Malak's attack
They'll blame him and the Sith for the Jedi Temple's fall
But soon the veil over their eyes will be gone
Everyone will that it was Revan, it was me
Revan's fall marked Carth to lose his family and everything he knew
Revan's fall lead to Bastila Shan's descent into darkness
Revan's betrayal completed Malak's fall
And now Revan's fall has resulted in the end of Taris and Dantooine
Sigh, clearly I am still blind
This was not Revan's fall but mine
The Jediwouldn't have created Serea Starz
If I had of resisted darkness' call
No, I cannot blame the Jedi
They were not the ones who caused the light in me to die
No, it is only I who has caused this destruction and pain
No words can justify my once mad quest for gain
I cannot deny who I was
I cannot deny the destruction I've caused
This burden of loss and sorrow
Is a result of my descent into war and horror
This is the third entry where I have used poetry. Prose simply cannot communicate the sorrow within any more than it can communicate the burden I have to bear. I was a fool to think that this facade, dubbed Serea Starz, was going to last forever. That's it; I'm done writing in this for tonight. It's time for me to turn in and be with Juhani. She might not understand everything, but she knows what it means to fall to the darkness and somehow return to the light.
Entry 6, same night as entry 5
Never have I had such a vision haunt my dreams before. I hope I didn't wake Juhani in the midst of coming down here to write this entry and compose my thoughts. I believe that this was a vision from my past as Darth Malak was with me as we looked up towards a being that made my former apprentice look like he had achieved mastery of the light side during his reign as the Dark Lord.
The vision... I was in a very dark room with a dark figure before me. I was wearing my traditional body armour and mask. Malak and I bowed down before a figure who was sitting on what appeared to be a throne. Finally this being spoke, "I can sense that my favourite Republicans have arrived."
I turned to my right to see Malak... Huh, no jaw piece? I guess this was before he received the injury that sliced his lower jaw off. Anyway, Malak nodded at me as a way of signalling me to address the figure. I turned to this being and said, "You summoned us, your highness?"
The ruler replied, "Revan and Malak, you have been with us for almost a year and have been reasonably assimilated into our society. Now, who is your master?"
Malak and I replied, "The Emperor."
"How are you and the force?"
"The force has served us well."
"What code do you follow?"
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion
Through passion I gain strength
Through strength I gain power
Through power I gain victory
Through victory my chains are broken
And the force shall free me."
"What do you think of the Jedi and the Republic?"
"They either bow down to the Sith, the true rulers of the galaxy, or face their own destruction."
The being smiled, "At last, you see. Revan and Malak are finally worthy to become members of the Dark Council as Dark Lords of the Sith. Do you dare try to prove yourselves worthy?"
After the Emperor said this, I wanted to say "no," and run from the room as quickly as possible. However, something almost seemed to push my conscience aside so that I was no longer a participant in the conversation, but an observer. My old self replied to this Emperor sitting on the throne, "We dare, master. What must we do to prove ourselves worthy of the title Dark Lord?"
At that moment I awoke. Who is or was that person I bowed down to and called master? Perhaps this dream was nothing but a combination of my thoughts from Dantooine? Perhaps this is just the darkness calling me back? No, wait, if that were the case then I wouldn't have been pushed aside near the end of the dream... No, this Emperor was going to make me a Dark Lord of the Sith on the Dark Council. This Emperor is out there, perhaps with an entire army, waiting for Malak and I to return from whatever we had to do to prove ourselves worthy... What if the Emperor does not wait any longer for Malak and me to come back?
This Emperor probably knows that Malak and I aren't coming back... and I've returned to the Jedi! This twofold betrayal could be a convenient excuse to invade the Republic, a Republic that would be doomed without the Emperor's armies firing a single laser. However, these are only mere speculations. I need more before I can act on what I have learned. The only person who can help me is Sera Degana, because she remembers what happened to the Revanchist and she's the only one that I can trust with in revealing the contents of my dream. As I recall, she told me that all of the Revanchist and Republic personnel under my command followed us into deep space where we completed our fall to the dark side.
Forgive me, Sera, for I have to bring up painful memories. I doubt that what we found in deep space was pleasant. Unfortunately, you are the only one that I can trust and only you have the answers to what I seek.
Revan Journals, and Serea Apostolia [c] vadess40
Serea Degana, Kobayashi, and Brotherhood of Shadow [c] silveredge9
Characters: Female Darth Revan
Female Darth Revan and KOTOR [c] Bioware and LucasArts
Synopsis: After the Jedi Civil War Serea Apostolia, the Prodigal Jedi Knight, begins to write journals in order to jog her lost memories as well as come to terms with what she did as a former Dark Lord of the Sith. And yes, she is the person talking in two of my poems titled Countless Droplets of Power and Revan's Legacy.
Entry 1, 1 week After the Battle of the Starge Forge (ABSF)
These are the written journals of Serea Apostolia, Prodigal Jedi Guardian. The purpose of these written documents is personal and medical, as I do not know the extent to which my mind has been damaged. Yesterday and the day before, I have been seeing various doctors in order to further understand the damage I received when Malak fired on my ship on the day I was captured by Bastila and her Jedi companions. The doctors told me all my lost memories could come back or I could forget everything I have become since I was enlisted into the Republic fleet. Furthermore, I should expect visions, like the ones I've been having since Taris to continue to happen sporadically.
Taris. Before we crashed on that planet, I was just one more Republic soldier serving on the Endar Spire and fighting against the Sith. After Taris, the Jedi chose to train me because of my bond with Bastila and the visions we both had. Initially, I was shocked when I learned about my force bond with Bastila and the Jedi that followed it. Eventually I came to terms with the turn of events in my life and quickly accepted my new role in the galaxy, whose fate rested on my shoulders... Nothing like having such a burden placed on a lowly Republic grunt, eh? On the Leviathan, Darth Malak's flagship, I learned the truth. The bond was forged when Bastila saved my life on my ship after Malak fired on it, and Serea Apostoloia was no more than something the Jedi Council made up when re-built my mind and reprogrammed me with another identity that was loyal to the Republic.
That was 2 weeks ago... Sigh, it is still difficult for me to believe that Serea Apostolia and everything she knew about herself prior to the Endar Spire was a lie. In many ways, Serea Apostoloia doesn't exist, but is only an illusion. The truth is I am Revan, a Jedi Knight who fell to the dark side over the course of the Mandalorian Wars and became the Dark Lord of the Sith.
Yet, I am no longer Revan! I am Serea Apostolia of the Jedi Order, now. The identity that was forged from Malak's betrayal to now is who I am. I could have reclaimed my identity as the Dark Lord and accepted Bastila's offer on top of the Temple on the Unknown World, but I did not. I chose to reject Bastila's offer of reclaiming my identity as the Dark Lord, I embraced this new identity. So far, that choice was not a mistake: Bastila Shan was redeemed from darkness, Malak and the Star Forge were destroyed, and the Republic can start to rebuild.
Furthermore, Juhani and I talked aboard the Temple on the Unknown World and again on the Ebon Hawk after the victory celebration. The talks were long and short, painful and wonderful... What emerged from those talks was our realization that it would be a mistake to sweep our feelings under the rug for the sake of our commitment to the Jedi.
I remember Juhani's words clearly, "The reason, love, that we survived the Krayt Dragon on Tatooine; the forests of Kashyyyk, the sharks and neutrality of Manaan; the tombs and powers of Korriban; the temptations of the Temple; and the depths of the Star Forge was because it was we who worked together and supported each other. It was we who went on this journey, and it was we who saved the Republic and the Jedi. Now it must continue to be we who shall join with our fellow Jedi to move the Republic and the Jedi forward. Serea, going from we to you and me would bring about our doom."
Sigh... Juhani, you keep gaining more and more confidence every day, don't you? My darling, I had no intention of dividing the "we" that was created over our quest. No, my love, you and I will always stand together.
You know, Malak said on the Star Forge, "Saviour, conqueror, hero villain: you are all things Revan, and yet you are nothing. In the end you belong neither to the light or the darkness. You will forever stand alone. "As I reflect on what has happened since Malak said that, I realize that he was only blowing hot air in order for me to lose my resolve and strength. After all, how can I forever stand alone when I have my Juhani, who is my friend, lover, and ally? How can I stand alone when I have so many allies from the Ebon Hawk's old crew - Carth, Bastila, Mission, Zaalbar, Jolee, Canderous, T3, HK-47; who, again, will always answer when I cry for help? As Darth Revan, I did stand alone because eventually you have to destroy everything you love in order to fully embrace the dark side. The life of a Sith Lord is a life that slowly but surely renders someone truly alone. Yes, if I chose Darth Revan, I would have stood alone. However, I rejected Revan, and chose Serea Apostolia, and I shall never stand alone.
At least, I hope I never stand alone...
Entry 2, 2 weeks ABSF
It has been a week since I last wrote in this journal. I cannot say much has happened, except for the truth. Although, I am no longer Revan, I find myself confronted with so much that I did. People who recognize me have mixed responses- some respond with respect, admiration, and adoration for the hero who saved the Republic while others look at me with so much hate and anger that I feared they would discover their force sensitivity by force crushing me on the spot.
I met Carth at Telos' Citadel Station today. As I descended to the restoration zones, I was shocked at how much the planet was reduced to a waste land. I was angry at the Sith and at myself for this deed. I researched Sith records recovered from the Republic over the past 2 weeks- I gave the order to merely attack Telos, not utterly and completely destroy it... A part of me wants to blame Malak for Telos' destruction while on the surface. I did not want this when I was the Dark Lord and I certainly don't want it now. I am no longer Revan; I am Serea Apostolia... or am I?
When I returned to the station, I was immediately approached by someone "I know you- Revan, right?"
I replied, "I was Revan, but I go by Serea now."
The person replied, "Can I ask you a question?"
I smiled and answered, "Of course."
The person replied, "Does the name Serea allow you to sleep at night or was the name Revan becoming an inconvenience?"
I replied, "Oh, I..."
"Does it help you forget what you did? Does it help you forget all the lives you destroyed, and all the blood of innocent people on your hands?"
I responded, "No, but..."
"Shut up, just shut up!!! You don't have the right to speak and you shouldn't have the right to roam freely. I am disgusted to call myself a member of the Republic, a Republic who just let you go because you happened to defeat Darth Malak and destroyed the Star Forge. I am appalled that the Jedi Order could simply look at you and simply dismiss your actions as the redemption of Revan, the prodigal knight. Can that bring back my daughter, who was all I had, when Telos was bombed and attacked? Well, can it bring her back? Can you bring her back?!!"
I said nothing, nothing. All I did was look down.
The person shook their head and said, "Exactly, you can't. So call yourself whatever you want, because you'll still be Darth fucking Revan to me."
What if this person is right? What if Serea Apostolia is just a facade...
What if I cannot deny who I once was?
What If I can't atone for the deaths I've caused
What if they accept nothing less,
Than the satisfaction of their cries of vengeance?
Entry 2, 3 weeks ABSF
Just got back from a mission to take down an apparently last minute attempt by the remnants of the Sith to regain what they lost after the Star Forge was destroyed.
Thankfully, they were stopped. Bastila, Juhani, and I boarded the ship in order to capture the ship's commander. Naturally, most of the personnel were shocked to find out that Revan is alive. Can't say I blame them, as I was shocked when I found out she was alive! Thankfully, this realization caused many of them to step aside and allow the three of us to pass without much of a fuss.
On the upper decks we met quite a bit of opposition until we got to the bridge. On the bridge was an old woman surrounded by personnel. When she saw me she shouted, "Don't harm her! Don't harm her!"
I turned to look at her and she said, "You are Darth Revan, are you not?"
As soon as she asked that, I received a vision. This forgotten memory was of a woman who was in the library of the old Dantooine enclave and it looked like she was about to teach me about the force. I think I was a young girl at the time for I was standing and looking up at her.
When I came back I hesitantly replied, "I no longer go by that name. I am the Jedi Knight Serea Starz."
The old woman replied, "I am Traya. Why do you no longer go by your true name or your true identity?"
I answered her, "Revan was a monster forged during the Mandalorian Wars who died after Malak betrayed her. Serea Starz is my true identity now."
The woman replied, "Are you trying to tell me that after everything you have learned nothing?! You were made stronger..."
I replied, "Enough! I place you and your the crew of your ship under arrest by the Jedi Order. You will all be escorted to the Harbinger and taken to Coruscant."
I'd like to think seeing her in and having a vision immediately after was just a coincidence but it wouldn't surprise me if the two are linked. After all, I received a similar vision almost immediately after I rescued Bastila on Taris. Oh well, I don't have time to dig up old ghosts now. I have to move forward.
Entry 4, 4 Weeks ABSF
I got a message from Sera Degana today. It appears that she is doing well on the Orion with Mec Han'ic and Kobayashi. It is amazing to see how much she has changed since our encounter with her former Jedi Master, Solomon, in the Temple of Shadow on Korriban. It makes me happy to know that not all the Jedi who followed me to war became servants of the dark side forever. I only wish more could've been redeemed… I know that I'm the one who led them to darkness, but they had a part to play in their fall. After all, I never forced them to keep following me!
Sigh… That still doesn't change the fact that I was the one who started them on the path to darkness. From what I've read, my fall to the dark side started long before my first quest to find the Star Forge. I changed a lot during the Mandalorian Wars, and was no longer the Jedi Knight on a noble crusade.
I formed the Revanchist as a faction within the Jedi Order who chose to disobey the council because we all felt that going to war and aiding the Republic was the right thing to do. Recently, I've had dreams of travelling to the places ravaged by the Mandalorians. I discussed the dream of my visit to Cathar with Juhani. During the discussion she seemed proud that I chose to go to war in order to avenge her people and protect the innocents. I did rescue her from slavery on Taris and encouraged her to join the Jedi, after all. Then she shook her head and expressed her disbelief at the fact that while I rescued her, I was also beginning my fall.
I have to admit that I can't believe it anymore than she can. When she asked what I thought about the Mandalorian Wars, I told her that I didn't know. Before encountering Malak on the Leviathan, I thought Revan's decision to go to war was the biggest mistake she ever made. However, there I can't point the finger at her anymore. Not after all the encounters from people whose lives I've destroyed, not after visiting Telos, and certainly not after some of the dreams and visions I've had. Revan's past is my past and her bad choices were my bad choices. I cannot run or hide from, or explain away the truth any longer.
I have to face it, Serea Apostolia does not exist. At the end of the day, I am Revan. I think I need to reconcile who I was with who I am now, if I am going to move on.
Revan, you and I are one
I cannot hide nor run
These words being written at this time
Are yours, they are mine
Revan is the prodigal knight
Revan has returned to the light
She will correct the horrors of war
Because she is no longer the Dark Lord
Huh, Sera just messaged me. She wants to meet up with me in some time and catch up. Perhaps I should make up with her Perhaps she can help me through this reconciliation process by telling me about the Mandalorian Wars and helping me through my memories. If I could only ask her one thing, it would be What happened at the Battle of Malachor V that rendered you unable to speak on the Ebon Hawk? This meeting will be interesting, indeed.
Entry 5, 5 Weeks ABSF
Dantooine... A planet that was once my home now lies in ruin. I went to see what Malak and the Sith did to her today, and I barely had the strength to completely tour the planet. As much as I would like to believe that Malak and the Sith are the only reason why Dantooine is a place of desolation, I cannot deny my hand in this. I was the one who declared myself Dark Lord of the Sith and lead my old friend down the path of the dark side. These acts ultimately lead to the destruction of Telos, Taris, and Dantooine...
A place of peace and healing
Is now a place of destruction and death
My once place of refuge is now the place of despair
How could such a terrible thing happen here?
It is because I fell to the darkness
I embraced the countless droplets of power
I lead my friends and comrades into war after war
All because my poisoned soul craved for more
History will tell of Malak's attack
They'll blame him and the Sith for the Jedi Temple's fall
But soon the veil over their eyes will be gone
Everyone will that it was Revan, it was me
Revan's fall marked Carth to lose his family and everything he knew
Revan's fall lead to Bastila Shan's descent into darkness
Revan's betrayal completed Malak's fall
And now Revan's fall has resulted in the end of Taris and Dantooine
Sigh, clearly I am still blind
This was not Revan's fall but mine
The Jediwouldn't have created Serea Starz
If I had of resisted darkness' call
No, I cannot blame the Jedi
They were not the ones who caused the light in me to die
No, it is only I who has caused this destruction and pain
No words can justify my once mad quest for gain
I cannot deny who I was
I cannot deny the destruction I've caused
This burden of loss and sorrow
Is a result of my descent into war and horror
This is the third entry where I have used poetry. Prose simply cannot communicate the sorrow within any more than it can communicate the burden I have to bear. I was a fool to think that this facade, dubbed Serea Starz, was going to last forever. That's it; I'm done writing in this for tonight. It's time for me to turn in and be with Juhani. She might not understand everything, but she knows what it means to fall to the darkness and somehow return to the light.
Entry 6, same night as entry 5
Never have I had such a vision haunt my dreams before. I hope I didn't wake Juhani in the midst of coming down here to write this entry and compose my thoughts. I believe that this was a vision from my past as Darth Malak was with me as we looked up towards a being that made my former apprentice look like he had achieved mastery of the light side during his reign as the Dark Lord.
The vision... I was in a very dark room with a dark figure before me. I was wearing my traditional body armour and mask. Malak and I bowed down before a figure who was sitting on what appeared to be a throne. Finally this being spoke, "I can sense that my favourite Republicans have arrived."
I turned to my right to see Malak... Huh, no jaw piece? I guess this was before he received the injury that sliced his lower jaw off. Anyway, Malak nodded at me as a way of signalling me to address the figure. I turned to this being and said, "You summoned us, your highness?"
The ruler replied, "Revan and Malak, you have been with us for almost a year and have been reasonably assimilated into our society. Now, who is your master?"
Malak and I replied, "The Emperor."
"How are you and the force?"
"The force has served us well."
"What code do you follow?"
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion
Through passion I gain strength
Through strength I gain power
Through power I gain victory
Through victory my chains are broken
And the force shall free me."
"What do you think of the Jedi and the Republic?"
"They either bow down to the Sith, the true rulers of the galaxy, or face their own destruction."
The being smiled, "At last, you see. Revan and Malak are finally worthy to become members of the Dark Council as Dark Lords of the Sith. Do you dare try to prove yourselves worthy?"
After the Emperor said this, I wanted to say "no," and run from the room as quickly as possible. However, something almost seemed to push my conscience aside so that I was no longer a participant in the conversation, but an observer. My old self replied to this Emperor sitting on the throne, "We dare, master. What must we do to prove ourselves worthy of the title Dark Lord?"
At that moment I awoke. Who is or was that person I bowed down to and called master? Perhaps this dream was nothing but a combination of my thoughts from Dantooine? Perhaps this is just the darkness calling me back? No, wait, if that were the case then I wouldn't have been pushed aside near the end of the dream... No, this Emperor was going to make me a Dark Lord of the Sith on the Dark Council. This Emperor is out there, perhaps with an entire army, waiting for Malak and I to return from whatever we had to do to prove ourselves worthy... What if the Emperor does not wait any longer for Malak and me to come back?
This Emperor probably knows that Malak and I aren't coming back... and I've returned to the Jedi! This twofold betrayal could be a convenient excuse to invade the Republic, a Republic that would be doomed without the Emperor's armies firing a single laser. However, these are only mere speculations. I need more before I can act on what I have learned. The only person who can help me is Sera Degana, because she remembers what happened to the Revanchist and she's the only one that I can trust with in revealing the contents of my dream. As I recall, she told me that all of the Revanchist and Republic personnel under my command followed us into deep space where we completed our fall to the dark side.
Forgive me, Sera, for I have to bring up painful memories. I doubt that what we found in deep space was pleasant. Unfortunately, you are the only one that I can trust and only you have the answers to what I seek.
Revan Journals, and Serea Apostolia [c] vadess40
Serea Degana, Kobayashi, and Brotherhood of Shadow [c] silveredge9
Characters: Female Darth Revan
Female Darth Revan and KOTOR [c] Bioware and LucasArts
Can I Place My Faith?
Can I Place My Faith?
Can I place my faith,
in this chair when I sit?
Can I place my faith,
and relax in it?
in this chair when I sit?
Can I place my faith,
and relax in it?
Can I trust in the sun?
Can I trust in the moon?
Can I depend on daylight to shine?
Can I trust the moon to glow?
Can I trust in the moon?
Can I depend on daylight to shine?
Can I trust the moon to glow?
If I go to the stop at the corner,
will the bus eventually come?
If I go to the bank,
will my money still be there?
will the bus eventually come?
If I go to the bank,
will my money still be there?
Will the grocery store always be full?
Will Wal-Mart’s prices always be low?
Will Wal-Mart’s prices always be low?
Can I have faith in nature?
Can I put any trust in the world?
If people make a promise,
can I rely on them to keep their word?
Can I put any trust in the world?
If people make a promise,
can I rely on them to keep their word?
I put faith in nature and the world.
I trust people at their word.
I put my faith in things from the world.
What about the One in heaven?
I trust people at their word.
I put my faith in things from the world.
What about the One in heaven?
Can I have faith in God above?
Can I trust in His love?
Can I depend on the Lord of hosts?
Can I believe He is close?
Can I trust in His love?
Can I depend on the Lord of hosts?
Can I believe He is close?
Can I go to church and trust in Him?
Can I trust He’ll hear, even when my voice is thin?
Can I believe God is there?
Can I trust He heard my prayer?
Can I trust He’ll hear, even when my voice is thin?
Can I believe God is there?
Can I trust He heard my prayer?
Do I believe God rises the sun?
Is He there when I am having fun?
Can I thank Him when I don’t have to push or pull,
and my stomach is nice and full?
Is He there when I am having fun?
Can I thank Him when I don’t have to push or pull,
and my stomach is nice and full?
Can I trust God when life is empty?
Can I have faith when I feel lost and dumb?
Is God real when I’m cold and numb?
Do I have faith when I’m on the run?
Can I have faith when I feel lost and dumb?
Is God real when I’m cold and numb?
Do I have faith when I’m on the run?
Is God my God when life is high?
Is He Lord when my grades are good and my mouth isn’t dry?
Can I have faith in God above?
Can I depend on His unfailing love?
Is He Lord when my grades are good and my mouth isn’t dry?
Can I have faith in God above?
Can I depend on His unfailing love?
Is God my God when I’m bored?
Is He there when I’m being ignored?
Do I still have faith when life is hard?
Is He the Lord if I get no reward?
Is He there when I’m being ignored?
Do I still have faith when life is hard?
Is He the Lord if I get no reward?
It’s subjective how one answers these.
Yet hear me, if you please.
The answer to all of them is yes.
God is God during times of chaos and times of rest.
Yet hear me, if you please.
The answer to all of them is yes.
God is God during times of chaos and times of rest.
There is more to faith, then religion.
There is more to trust then going to church.
It includes sitting in a chair that you hope won’t break.
It involves driving across a bridge that may drop you in a lake.
There is more to trust then going to church.
It includes sitting in a chair that you hope won’t break.
It involves driving across a bridge that may drop you in a lake.
Faith trusts in God when times are tough.
Faith obeys God when life is rough.
Faith believes in God when my fridge is empty.
Faith is when I give prayers of thanks to God when no roof covers me.
Faith obeys God when life is rough.
Faith believes in God when my fridge is empty.
Faith is when I give prayers of thanks to God when no roof covers me.
Can I have faith in a chair?
Can I have faith in the Lord?
God knows every hair.
God knows when I’m happy and when I’m bored.
Can I have faith in the Lord?
God knows every hair.
God knows when I’m happy and when I’m bored.
If I can place faith in my chair,
I can place my faith in my God.
Just like I trust shining stars,
I have faith in the God who is near and far.
I can place my faith in my God.
Just like I trust shining stars,
I have faith in the God who is near and far.
Poem Description
This poem is in response to a prompt called faith. The prompt asks, "This weeks theme is Faith. Is Faith really just
religion? Is it more like trust?" In my poem, my answer is that faith is
not just religion. Rather it incorporates almost everything we do
from having faith that the chair you sit in won't break underneath you
to having faith that God is listening when you pray. When it comes to
spirituality, my faith in God through Jesus Christ allows me to stand up underneath the trials that life brings
me and emerge a better person than I was at the beginning.
Me and Aspie- A Poem
Me and Aspie
I wake up to the world,
And she sends me into a whirl.
She is both a friend and an enemy.
Her name is Aspie.
Aspie is an interesting crook;
Through her eyes I must look.
Somedays she is a positive means to an end.
Those are the days when she is my friend.
Other days she makes me fight to look in your eye.
She misunderstands body language, even though I try.
You may not touch, you may not hug.
Instead of your eyes, I'll look at the rug.
I want to go out;
Aspie wants to stay home.
I want to socialize and shout;
Aspie wants to be quiet and alone.
I want to go downstairs and mingle;
Aspie wants me upstairs and single.
I want to go to work and make money;
Aspie wants me to stay home alone and eat honey.
Somedays we fight.
Somedays we don't.
Somedays I give into her plight.
Somedays I won't.
She helps me focus,
She helps me work.
She's a butterfly and a locus
She's a colleage and crook
She inihibits my social skills;
She blocks my social will.
Through Aspie I am obsessive;
Through Aspie I am compulsive.
Aspie can be dominating,
But she is not destroying.
Behind her is my Saviour
And He rules over her.
God, I can't do it today.
Aspie wants to hide me away.
She is a thorn I often fight all day long.
Thankfully in weakness, God is perfectly strong.
Aspie cannot rule me,
For God is my victory.
To Christ Aspie submits.
In Him Aspie is finished.
God, make Aspie a friend today.
Lord, in me have your way.
On my own, I'm helpless;
With God, I have strength that is endless.
(c) Andrena LeBlanc
Description:
In this poem I tell about how having aspergers can be quite the struggle at times and the only way I get out of bed on some days is when I call upon God for the strength to do it. Does God answer? Of course He answers in more ways than one. In the poem I personified aspergers into the person Aspie. Enjoy!
I wake up to the world,
And she sends me into a whirl.
She is both a friend and an enemy.
Her name is Aspie.
Aspie is an interesting crook;
Through her eyes I must look.
Somedays she is a positive means to an end.
Those are the days when she is my friend.
Other days she makes me fight to look in your eye.
She misunderstands body language, even though I try.
You may not touch, you may not hug.
Instead of your eyes, I'll look at the rug.
I want to go out;
Aspie wants to stay home.
I want to socialize and shout;
Aspie wants to be quiet and alone.
I want to go downstairs and mingle;
Aspie wants me upstairs and single.
I want to go to work and make money;
Aspie wants me to stay home alone and eat honey.
Somedays we fight.
Somedays we don't.
Somedays I give into her plight.
Somedays I won't.
She helps me focus,
She helps me work.
She's a butterfly and a locus
She's a colleage and crook
She inihibits my social skills;
She blocks my social will.
Through Aspie I am obsessive;
Through Aspie I am compulsive.
Aspie can be dominating,
But she is not destroying.
Behind her is my Saviour
And He rules over her.
God, I can't do it today.
Aspie wants to hide me away.
She is a thorn I often fight all day long.
Thankfully in weakness, God is perfectly strong.
Aspie cannot rule me,
For God is my victory.
To Christ Aspie submits.
In Him Aspie is finished.
God, make Aspie a friend today.
Lord, in me have your way.
On my own, I'm helpless;
With God, I have strength that is endless.
(c) Andrena LeBlanc
Description:
In this poem I tell about how having aspergers can be quite the struggle at times and the only way I get out of bed on some days is when I call upon God for the strength to do it. Does God answer? Of course He answers in more ways than one. In the poem I personified aspergers into the person Aspie. Enjoy!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Review of "Relentless Pursuit"
Does God pursue? Does he chase after human beings without ceasing in the hopes that they will enter a relationship with Him through Christ? Ken Gire thinks so and wrote a book explaining why. In Relentless Pursuit, Ken Gire introduces the reader to the God who pursues them prior to conversion and forever after.
The author combines scriptural passages with personal experiences to reveal a pursuing God. Whether the person is an outsider in society, crowd, potential opportunity, or within themselves, God will make the chase in order to bring the outsider back to Him.
Good Points:
The author did an excellent job of connecting Scripture to his main argument. Throughout the book, he successfully shows the reader the God that pursues. It also reveals that no one is immune from being an outsider. Whether you are at the top or on the bottom, you will feel lonely and left out. Thankfully, we have a God who knows what it means to be lonely because He was lonely and was an outsider on many levels when He walked on earth in Jesus Christ.
Bad Points:
I found the author could have connected the personal segments of the chapters with what he was talking about in the Bible. In many chapters he would be going strong with his biblical exposition and then switch into his own personal stories without connecting what was said previously in the chapter to his own life story. Many times I often walked away from those portions asking So, what does that particular personal story life have to do with the chapter? Nothing worse then a reader asking So what? after reading a portion of a book.
Overall Score
Overall, I give Relentless Pursue 3.5/5. It is a good book and I think will connect people to an aspect about God they never knew about before; however, the scriptural and personal components to the chapters could have been connected better.
Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc.
Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group
Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group
Friday, July 13, 2012
Faithful God
Many words come to my mind when I think about God: Love, power, grace, and holiness are some of them. One word that often slips is faithfulness. I think I often forget about that word because it is a trait that I must learn and grow to count on over time as opposed to right away.
Faithfulness can be defined as "trustworthy, loyalty." Throughout Scripture, God's faithfulness is put on display for all to read. God was faithful to the Israelites and the Church, and He was faithful to fulfill OT prophecies regarding the Messiah. No question, God is faithful and in everything and anything throughout Scripture. It's humanity's willigness to trust in that faithfulness that is up for debate- a debate I recently took part in. It was the debate where God and I fought and argued and emerged stronger and more understanding of one another.
Because of my aspergers, I struggle with finding employment almost every summer since I started post secondary school. Over the course of these years I noticed many people around me who couldn't care less about God found summer jobs easily while I struggled. In the past I shrugged it off because I figured if I trusted in God and remained faithful to Him, He would provide me a good job that would help put a dent in my student debt. However, for the majority of the time that wasn't the case. I didn't get jobs when I still had the advantage in May and June and the jobs I did get at the end of the summer were crap.
Finally, in the middle of this past June I turned to heaven and I gave God a piece of my mind. I looked to heaven and I told God that I didn't understand why so many people who didn't even bother thanking Him for letting them get up in the morning got jobs so easily and always found better employment then me. Furthermore, I told Him I wish He would stop "blessing me" with all these shitty jobs that appeared in July and August, and actually provide me with something that would actually make a dent.
That's right, I got angry, swore and made demands at the Creator of the universe. Thankfully, God is not like Zeus, and didn't send a lightening bolt to shock me because I dared to question Him. Instead, God took it all, and we went to the Catholic Church near my house. When I need quiet and visual aids to focus on God, Catholic Churches are where you'll find me. At the church, God directed me to Psalm 73. I'll be posting the Psalm in the NIV:
1 Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.[a]
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity[b];
their evil imaginations have no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
with arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.[c]
11 They say, “How would God know?
Does the Most High know anything?”
their bodies are healthy and strong.[a]
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity[b];
their evil imaginations have no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
with arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.[c]
11 They say, “How would God know?
Does the Most High know anything?”
12 This is what the wicked are like—
always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.
always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.
13 Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
and have washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been afflicted,
and every morning brings new punishments.
and have washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been afflicted,
and every morning brings new punishments.
15 If I had spoken out like that,
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
when you arise, Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
when you arise, Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
This Psalm was written by Asaph. I guess he and I noticed the same things, only in different eras of human history: The people who disregard God are the ones getting all the goods, while believers are often dirt poor. From that time at the Church I realized that the only thing I could do was trust in God and believe that He knew what He was doing. In that Catholic Church I told God I don't get it but I will trust in Him and take faith from the cloud of witnesses (see Hebrews 11) that are surrounding me, specifically Asaph.
Unfortunately, I still had no job. One week later, I was still confused and wrestling with all this. Instead of going to the Catholic Church, I believe God directed me to post on my facebook wall this:
I don't understand my life. The Scriptures say, "But seek first his
kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you
as well" (Matthew 6:33). I seek God first when I wake up and strive to
do His fill as my first priority, yet I am still unemployed and I'm
always the last of my siblings to find a job during the summer and it
usually doesn't deliver. And when I pray that I find a job quickly, I
feel as if I'm hitting a brick wall. What am I doing wrong? What is God
waiting for?
Well, about a day I found a job add for a produce stand and a couple of days later I got the job! Pays $10.25/hr and I work between 3-5 days a week and get almost 50h. So, God FINALLY answered the prayers and I got a job that will definitely help my debt load.
What can be said about my experiences? Some people thought I should take back what I said on Facebook. After all, I should be showing off God's faithfulness, not my doubts. I suppose in many ways that's true, but I won't remove what I said on my facebook status. Personally, I think the fact that I could say that without fear of being struck down by God or anything is a sign of God's faithfulness too. In fact, I think that God was waiting for me to be honest with Him and say what I was burying for the past few years before He acted and got me that produce stand job.
If anyone reading this thinks I'm the first believer to get angry at God and give Him a piece of their mind, they are, with all due respect, very mistaken. Asaph wasan example. Another example is Jeremiah in Lamentations 3:1-18,
If anyone reading this thinks I'm the first believer to get angry at God and give Him a piece of their mind, they are, with all due respect, very mistaken. Asaph wasan example. Another example is Jeremiah in Lamentations 3:1-18,
1I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of the Lord’s wrath.
2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.
4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.
5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
and has broken my bones.
5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.
like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and given me gall to drink.
with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and given me gall to drink.
16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”
he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”
... or what Heman the Ezrahite had to say in Psalm 88:
And I thought God and I had problems!
1 Lord, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
day and night I cry out to you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
3 I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
and my life draws near to death.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.
And I thought God and I had problems!
The point is, God is a faithful God. He is faithful in trials and when times are good. His children should never be afraid to call God on it and seek Him when they have their doubts. When we don't take our anger and frustration and doubts to Him, it just creates a wedge between God and the person because we aren't looking at Him with trust anymore but with doubts and some suspicion. So, don't be afraid to be brutally honest with God!! He's the all powerful God of the universe; He can handle someone yelling at Him. He can handle YOU yelling at Him. I think what He can't handle in terms of relating to His children is when they hide stuff from Him and hide what their true emotions are.
This is one lesson that I hope I will remember, as trials will come again. Is God faithful? Yes He is! Will I yell at Him about it again? You bet! And I will keep yelling at Him about it if it means God and I will grow closer together instead of far a part.
Scripture verses taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
This is one lesson that I hope I will remember, as trials will come again. Is God faithful? Yes He is! Will I yell at Him about it again? You bet! And I will keep yelling at Him about it if it means God and I will grow closer together instead of far a part.
Scripture verses taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Smoking in Bus Shelters
When I was living in Kitchener, I relied on the Grand River Transit (GRT) to get me from point A to point B. The majority of those bus trips were in the winter time. Although Kitchener's winters are milder then other parts of ON, there were still days where I felt the icy wind sting my cheeks and almost solidify my legs to icicles. During those waits I often waited in the bus shelters. During some of the waiting periods, I smelt something odd and unpleasant. When I turned around to look, I saw someone smoking in the bus shelter in spite of the sign across the front of the shelter that says no smoking.
I think those signs in Kitchener are there for decoration. Whether it is a beautiful and warm sunny day, or a rainy and miserable one, I sometimes still saw people sitting in the bus shelter smoking. I have even read tweets from people on Twitter, such as @crushnaut, catching GRT drivers smoking in non-smoking areas. Not only are these drivers, the ones who are supposed to be obeying the rules, enabling people to break them but are almost rendering the rules null and void. This whole issue of people smoking in areas where it is prohibited is a problem.
Why is it a problem? It's not problem because they are just breaking the rules. It's a problem because those smokers really are being disrespectful of the people around them in many ways. First, they know as well as the rest of us that smoking in an enclosed area is not good for people's health. This is why it is illegal to smoke in a car with a minor in it. By releasing second hand smoke into an enclosed area, a smoker is exposing everyone that's in it to much more second hand smoke then they would if they were smoking outside.
Second, the smokers are making a very big bet that the people in the bus shelter with them will not be bothered by it. I don't mean simply not liking the smell, but I mean people who could severely react to it. For example, one of my friends who has severe couldn't stay in a bus shelter in the winter time when it was really cold in Kitchener and the wind was brutal, because someone was smoking in it. On another day she had to stand outside during a down pour in the fall because again someone was smoking in the bus shelter. By smoking in the shelter, smokers could risk threatening someone's life because they'd much rather smoke inside then outside. What if someone with lung cancer, a severe case of asthma, or worse walks into the shelter?
Third, they are endangering the health of children. As I said above, it is illegal to smoke in a car when a minor is in it. Children in many ways are more prone to severe health problems, like developing asthma, because their lungs and other organs are not fully developed and matured to be able to withstand this sort of thing. Once I saw a person start to smoke in a bus shelter that was also occupied with a woman and her baby while it was raining. What could the woman do? Her baby can't be exposed to the rain, but the bus shelter isn't safe anymore because someone is smoking.
To me, failing to comply is in many ways failing to be a modeled citizen, and is inconsiderate . As for GRT drivers, this is showing poor customer service, because you aren't respecting the well being of your passengers when you smoke in areas that you're workplace deems is inexcusable.
What can be done about this? First, I think smokers in Kitchener need to obey the law. They are not allowed to smoke in bus shelters ever. Second, I think GRT needs to start obeying and enforcing the law. Smokers wouldn't do it if they couldn't get away with it. Third, I think they need to make bus shelters that people can smoke in. I don't think it's fair for smokers to endanger others by smoking in bus shelters but I don't think they need to suffer out in the rain, wind or snow either. Rather, I think that GRT should provide some kind of shelter for them to go and smoke in peace without worrying about the elements or harming the people around them.
If there are smoking and non-smoking bus shelters, then everyone has a place to hide under when the weather isn't doing so well. Though I suppose smoker's could wait until they got home, for example, to smoke, it is still nice to have the option. Those bus shelters are there so that customers don't have to wait and be exposed tot he weather, so there must be a way to have them so they don't exclude anyone. When smokers smoke in shelters, which by law exclude smokers already, it inevitably excludes people who would be severely hurt, if not killed, if they are exposed to second hand smoke. Giving smokers would remove that exclusion.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)