Many words come to my mind when I think about God: Love, power, grace, and holiness are some of them. One word that often slips is faithfulness. I think I often forget about that word because it is a trait that I must learn and grow to count on over time as opposed to right away.
Faithfulness can be defined as "trustworthy, loyalty." Throughout Scripture, God's faithfulness is put on display for all to read. God was faithful to the Israelites and the Church, and He was faithful to fulfill OT prophecies regarding the Messiah. No question, God is faithful and in everything and anything throughout Scripture. It's humanity's willigness to trust in that faithfulness that is up for debate- a debate I recently took part in. It was the debate where God and I fought and argued and emerged stronger and more understanding of one another.
Because of my aspergers, I struggle with finding employment almost every summer since I started post secondary school. Over the course of these years I noticed many people around me who couldn't care less about God found summer jobs easily while I struggled. In the past I shrugged it off because I figured if I trusted in God and remained faithful to Him, He would provide me a good job that would help put a dent in my student debt. However, for the majority of the time that wasn't the case. I didn't get jobs when I still had the advantage in May and June and the jobs I did get at the end of the summer were crap.
Finally, in the middle of this past June I turned to heaven and I gave God a piece of my mind. I looked to heaven and I told God that I didn't understand why so many people who didn't even bother thanking Him for letting them get up in the morning got jobs so easily and always found better employment then me. Furthermore, I told Him I wish He would stop "blessing me" with all these shitty jobs that appeared in July and August, and actually provide me with something that would actually make a dent.
That's right, I got angry, swore and made demands at the Creator of the universe. Thankfully, God is not like Zeus, and didn't send a lightening bolt to shock me because I dared to question Him. Instead, God took it all, and we went to the Catholic Church near my house. When I need quiet and visual aids to focus on God, Catholic Churches are where you'll find me. At the church, God directed me to Psalm 73. I'll be posting the Psalm in the NIV:
1 Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
their evil imaginations have no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
with arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.
11 They say, “How would God know?
Does the Most High know anything?”
12 This is what the wicked are like—
always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.
13 Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
and have washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been afflicted,
and every morning brings new punishments.
15 If I had spoken out like that,
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
when you arise, Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
This Psalm was written by Asaph. I guess he and I noticed the same things, only in different eras of human history: The people who disregard God are the ones getting all the goods, while believers are often dirt poor. From that time at the Church I realized that the only thing I could do was trust in God and believe that He knew what He was doing. In that Catholic Church I told God I don't get it but I will trust in Him and take faith from the cloud of witnesses (see Hebrews 11) that are surrounding me, specifically Asaph.
Unfortunately, I still had no job. One week later, I was still confused and wrestling with all this. Instead of going to the Catholic Church, I believe God directed me to post on my facebook wall this:
I don't understand my life. The Scriptures say, "But seek first his
kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you
as well" (Matthew 6:33). I seek God first when I wake up and strive to
do His fill as my first priority, yet I am still unemployed and I'm
always the last of my siblings to find a job during the summer and it
usually doesn't deliver. And when I pray that I find a job quickly, I
feel as if I'm hitting a brick wall. What am I doing wrong? What is God
waiting for?
Well, about a day I found a job add for a produce stand and a couple of days later I got the job! Pays $10.25/hr and I work between 3-5 days a week and get almost 50h. So, God FINALLY answered the prayers and I got a job that will definitely help my debt load.
What can be said about my experiences? Some people thought I should take back what I said on Facebook. After all, I should be showing off God's faithfulness, not my doubts. I suppose in many ways that's true, but I won't remove what I said on my facebook status. Personally, I think the fact that I could say that without fear of being struck down by God or anything is a sign of God's faithfulness too. In fact, I think that God was waiting for me to be honest with Him and say what I was burying for the past few years before He acted and got me that produce stand job.
If anyone reading this thinks I'm the first believer to get angry at God and give Him a piece of their mind, they are, with all due respect, very mistaken. Asaph wasan example. Another example is Jeremiah in Lamentations 3:1-18,
I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of the Lord’s wrath.
2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.
4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.
5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and given me gall to drink.
16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”
... or what Heman the Ezrahite had to say in Psalm 88:
1 Lord, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
3 I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.
And I thought God and I had problems!
The point is, God is a faithful God. He is faithful in trials and when times are good. His children should never be afraid to call God on it and seek Him when they have their doubts. When we don't take our anger and frustration and doubts to Him, it just creates a wedge between God and the person because we aren't looking at Him with trust anymore but with doubts and some suspicion. So, don't be afraid to be brutally honest with God!! He's the all powerful God of the universe; He can handle someone yelling at Him. He can handle YOU yelling at Him. I think what He can't handle in terms of relating to His children is when they hide stuff from Him and hide what their true emotions are.
This is one lesson that I hope I will remember, as trials will come again. Is God faithful? Yes He is! Will I yell at Him about it again? You bet! And I will keep yelling at Him about it if it means God and I will grow closer together instead of far a part.
Scripture verses taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
